see i told u im screwed up!

im back to normal just after another h2h with az and its all good again im just insane so no worries

its been ages since i actually sat down to properly pour out the normal confused chewed up shit that i keep mulling about and seriously i still think i'm insane doing it right now....ok well not insane just plain stupid...I mean how this ever going to solve anything or does anything really need solving at all! are things actually messed up or is it all just in my head....i never know with myself honestly...is it just the bubble that i create around me that bursts, is everything ok and im just trying to screw things up or what in the name of god is actually happening!!! well whatever it is im doing with my head is leaving me fucking miserable! you know what just screw this i don't wanna write anymore or maybe i do... (in case ur reading this i would sincerely suggest closing the window coz u wont get anything worthwhile here - only what i promised earlier good ol verbal diarrhea ok now how is fucking diarrhea spelt ok i guess i spelt it correctly...so where was i yeah i was right there cribbing man i'm so sick n tired of moping around and the bloody mood swings have become so regular that i actually pity az for putting up with me but seriously everything just seems like a fucking shithole these days...nothing NOT ONE SINGLE THING and trust me i'm not exaggerating NOT ONE SINGLE THING has gone right or is going right or seems to that will go right! it's just bad luck u say.....bad freaking luck for a year what do u have to say bout that! and even if it is bad luck well honey i'm fucking tired of having to deal with this mother of all bad luck loads that has come my way....yeah yeah not the there are a million ppl who are worse off than u lecture right now please...heard that screwed that.....i dunno why i'm even doing this...writing that is.... urrrrrrgh u know what screw it it's all going to be ok (yeah hell it will!) no it really will but one thing's for sure it aint going to be the way it was supposed to be in my head.....the most important things are the ones which aren't going the way i wished they would and the trivial ones are......i know sweets life aint a bed of roses never has never will be im ready for the uphill journey but atleast i dont want a flat tire to begin with! hahaha me n my analogies! or it can also be the stupid diet im on coz that leaves me miserable too i need help i need sleep i need to get away SOON! i need my life the way i want it to be!!!!!!!! i want my future the way i want it to be! i want things to be ok and i dont want to have someone simply tell me that its going to be ok - words are bullshit thats i guess what i should label this post as too coz it seems to pass all the criteria of being classified as top quality bullshit :)
btw if u've made it so far i hereby bestow you with the medal of top bullshit reader! lol that's not even funny...crap!

bullshit

can't believe I write such utter bullshit!

Finally it happened.

I guess all I needed was some “my time”, which I just wasn’t getting since I guess…oh I guess it been….3 months?...maybe 5? Well I know for a fact it hasn’t been since 2 for sure! Yeap for the past (indefinite amount of time) I’ve just been bungled up with so much to do, been riding a rollercoaster that had left me emotionally and physically drained…completely. Just didn’t know what to expect, whether to be happy or not, feel guilty when was feeling happy, or was this happiness that I felt just transitory or was I just thinking too much. Actually…I wasn’t really thinking at all…I know it sounds weird and I’m probably coming of as completely incoherent but yeah in some twisted way with all the overthinking I was doing I really wasn’t thinking at all…..all I was doing was jamming my mind with all the mindless details about the future, about what I really wanted, was everything happening for a reason, am I allowed to be happy, can I TRULY be happy, can I not spoil it for me, can I get everything I wanted in life, can I live my life the way I wanted too, is it too much, is it too little. Put all this and add the running around bit, going here going there, getting this done getting that done, so much to do so little time, yet finding time to sleep all day long. Does it all seem ironic to you? It makes perfect sense to me….

Well one can’t say I didn’t get any “my time”. I mean with all the tv watching I did….with all the moping around I did….always so consumed with whining and cribbing (the feeling was so new – it’s a blessing really when u can actually blissfully whine your heart out to someone) but I seriously didn’t get that time….i would watch tv, listen to music, dance around but for the longest time I couldn’t get myself to write, to think creatively, to get one decent idea which made me ME and then today I finally got stern with myself and forced myself to not go to sleep but actually watch the movie I had downloaded 4 days back and never got around seeing. THE HOLIDAY - Yeap a movie not recommended by miz n nunni but somehow I still wanted to see it, make the judgments for myself and I was glad I did. I saw the movie without any thoughts running through my head, without being mentally distracted, just SAW the movie and guess what….it finally happened……I realized I finally got myself back! I finally got over everything, all this while unknowingly I was holding onto the past and was cynical of the future (although there were bouts where I would be hysterically over the moon when I saw my future ahead of me) I finally opened my arms to new experiences, finally the queasy feeling in my stomach, everytime a name is mentioned, is gone GONE gone!!!!!!! I can smile again! I can be myself again!!! I CAN THINK! I CAN WRITE!!! …..now I can’t wait to live each moment to its fullest….can’t wait for my life to begin…..I love my life!

“My time” is highly underrated.

courtesy : nice knowing you

it's so irritating when people just boldly ignore the basic absolute BASIC aspects of courtesy and THEN pose as if they know it all!!!! ok here's the scenario...we're standing in the corridor (meekal, sara n I) talking when this woman comes along n sara starts askiong her what she's having for lunch n blah blah blah (she has that kind of a relationship with her, i mean in our office it's the norm to ask people what they're havin for lunch, n for people to share n all ) well anyway so the woman tells her what BUT doesnt ask her to join her, well sara kept joking with her bout not asking her to join n blah blah, ok so this woman goes in her office and then after 5 mins comes out and says "Sara there's a call for u" LIKE DUH SHE'S ASKIN HER TO COME "INSIDE" HER OFFICE TO HAVE WHATEVER THE SHIT SHE'S HAVING, but see this is not my issue, WE (meeks n me) we just had our lunch, the issue is that when u see people in a group it's basic courtesy TO ASK ALL OF THEM! i mean we wouldnt have gone anyway but just ask woman! ok so i obviously got pissed off and sara didnt understand what the woman meant by teh phone, she atcually thought there was a phone call for her! now that's also dumb, so she tells us to wait for her and I turned around n said, forget it sara you're goin in to eat, its gonna take long, we've got work! I said it loudly so that WOMAN could hear us!

i know its really a trivial issue BUT IT IS!!!!!!

an insomniac's despair

the nights when sleep is nowhere near you
you toss n turn no more
for you are lying still, figuring out
what went wrong
did u say something not meant to be said
or you did what shouldnt have been done
for the life of you, you wonder
whether u should wonder at all!
should u really be feeling guilty
or is there nothing at all!

you know u will wake up
if ever that u sleep
with a headache and regret
for not having slept at all.
And then when u get a phonecall
that puts ur mind to rest
u sit and curse yourself
for not having done what was best!

i'm going to paint my room

i want a change, had enough

maybe, just maybe....it might help me to put things into perespective

warped theory of mine

i'm going to paint my room

slowly losing it

my tolerance level is decreasing every day. EVERY freaking day.....so muchh so that I now lose it at the things/people which don't really deserve it and then i hate myself for it, but i can't help it, seriously i've tried, just had enough, not really i know i prob wont be able to live without thosethings/people, but i cant take it anymore, i dont want to be so irritable, i dont want to flare up, i just want things to be right, i know i m whining, urrrgh i hate this, recently my blog has just become teh only place i vomit out all my stupid feelings.

"There's no logic unless the emotions are involved. You want to do something, so you do it. That's logical. You want to do something and you don't do it, that's a breakdown of reason."

John le Carre
The Tailor of Panama