ok...u know what i give up

no...i can't...i m no quitter, i know i've been through this shit countless times before and i know i'll get through it but wtf i mean seriously! is it just me? is it really in my head, am i really the stupid crazy emotional twit who keeps conjuring up shit in my mind or is it really as it seems...i have people all around me but why WHY do i feel so bloody alone? i know i sound much too dramatic for my own good, but still...i mean i can talk to anyone....and there are some who really want to know what the fuck is going on with me, but why is it that i cant even talk to them? could it coz i don't frankly know what the hell is going on? why on earth do i just zone off and i dont even realize it when it happens!!! why do i just feel like breaking down and crying my eyes out. It's a weird combination of self pity and self criticism. there are few things about me that i hate yet they're a part of me and at time i like them, when i m doing them too its not that i feel happy that i m doing them but i just feel happy, god if only i could make some sense, prob sound like a two year old but kinda numb right now....u know the feeling when u feel suddenly everything which was zipping past n suddenly u hear sounds which are muffled, and everything slows down, the keyboard seems to be on the floor and ur fingers are just barely typing at the speed at which u think, ur mouth is open n u cant get to close it, ur head's buzzing and tears just streaming down ur face but FOR WHAT!!!!!!!!! i dont even know........ besides all of this, my life (career wise) seems pretty screwed up, as in one could make a porn flick in iba the way its screwing us!!! graduating in 3 months, and our university is not even telling us what they plan on doing with our mba, is it going to be 1 yr, or 2 yrs or 1 1/2? and whatever it wil be, what will be the courses and all,. this bloody information just happens to be shit important for us coz we have to then decide whether to work or finish our mba, and to top it off, if we have to work then we should start applying from now, and the bloody placement officer doesnt even bother telling the corporate sector that we're the first batch with a 4 year bba program, so that they should consider us for jobs! now to top it off i dont even nkow if i want to do my mba from iba, i mean i'll have the same teachers teh same courses, i've done all the worthwhile electives i could, i mean what do u expect after doing brand management, ad, industrial marketing, consumer behavior i come back and do personnel in my mba!!!! then i'm thinking i sould start work (the agency where i interned was keen on hiring me) and do my mba simultaenously on the weekends from cbm. or should i just take a little time off, i have wanted to take up photography and filmmaking for the longest time, so should i take time off and do courses on that, work with some photographers? and maybe continue the bags n shoes making thing i have going on with my lil cousin on the side? i really dont have a clue, what the hell am i supposed to, what am i going to, and whati should be doing. I dont want to screw myself in the end, want to be independant, have had kinda reached my saturation point as far as the only studying bit is concerned, but i know i can will me self to go through it IF i get the right courses n the right teachers who fucking well accept creativity!!!!! i'm sick n tired of simply regurgtating shit..or maybe i m not, why can't i just make a decision n go ahead and do, why WHY do i have to discuss it with 10 million people, why do i need to feel that i need to ask others to know what im doing is right, i know i'll screw myself up if i keep doing this but cant help it, i make mountains out of molehills and molehills out of mountanins, but let them just be with me, never confront anyone about those stupid mountains, coz deep down i know they're just molehills and as far as the mountains are concerned, oh well part n parcel of life i guess right no worries ...my head hurts, i dont want to talk to anyone, i want to talk to everyone, friends think i m ignoring them, s thinks i'm only a figament of his imagination, my body hurts, i m going to sleep, just woke up thogh, going back to sleep, i know i'll get through this muck, always have, i know its justa phase, will be chirpy tomorrow, but it does take a toll right....on you.....on everything...i m not going to say why me, coz that's dumb, i hate it when ppl say why me, urrgh please grow up look around you, everyone has their own shit to take care off. is anyone to blame? ofcource not, nobody is. i know its just me, i go around messing things up, never happy with the way things are, always want change, then resist it then want it again. i'll just shut up now. thank you for listening :) now i'll just go and kill myself for having written this.