Finally it happened.
I guess all I needed was some “my time”, which I just wasn’t getting since I guess…oh I guess it been….3 months?...maybe 5? Well I know for a fact it hasn’t been since 2 for sure! Yeap for the past (indefinite amount of time) I’ve just been bungled up with so much to do, been riding a rollercoaster that had left me emotionally and physically drained…completely. Just didn’t know what to expect, whether to be happy or not, feel guilty when was feeling happy, or was this happiness that I felt just transitory or was I just thinking too much. Actually…I wasn’t really thinking at all…I know it sounds weird and I’m probably coming of as completely incoherent but yeah in some twisted way with all the overthinking I was doing I really wasn’t thinking at all…..all I was doing was jamming my mind with all the mindless details about the future, about what I really wanted, was everything happening for a reason, am I allowed to be happy, can I TRULY be happy, can I not spoil it for me, can I get everything I wanted in life, can I live my life the way I wanted too, is it too much, is it too little. Put all this and add the running around bit, going here going there, getting this done getting that done, so much to do so little time, yet finding time to sleep all day long. Does it all seem ironic to you? It makes perfect sense to me….
Well one can’t say I didn’t get any “my time”. I mean with all the tv watching I did….with all the moping around I did….always so consumed with whining and cribbing (the feeling was so new – it’s a blessing really when u can actually blissfully whine your heart out to someone) but I seriously didn’t get that time….i would watch tv, listen to music, dance around but for the longest time I couldn’t get myself to write, to think creatively, to get one decent idea which made me ME and then today I finally got stern with myself and forced myself to not go to sleep but actually watch the movie I had downloaded 4 days back and never got around seeing. THE HOLIDAY - Yeap a movie not recommended by miz n nunni but somehow I still wanted to see it, make the judgments for myself and I was glad I did. I saw the movie without any thoughts running through my head, without being mentally distracted, just SAW the movie and guess what….it finally happened……I realized I finally got myself back! I finally got over everything, all this while unknowingly I was holding onto the past and was cynical of the future (although there were bouts where I would be hysterically over the moon when I saw my future ahead of me) I finally opened my arms to new experiences, finally the queasy feeling in my stomach, everytime a name is mentioned, is gone GONE gone!!!!!!! I can smile again! I can be myself again!!! I CAN THINK! I CAN WRITE!!! …..now I can’t wait to live each moment to its fullest….can’t wait for my life to begin…..I love my life!
“My time” is highly underrated.
I guess all I needed was some “my time”, which I just wasn’t getting since I guess…oh I guess it been….3 months?...maybe 5? Well I know for a fact it hasn’t been since 2 for sure! Yeap for the past (indefinite amount of time) I’ve just been bungled up with so much to do, been riding a rollercoaster that had left me emotionally and physically drained…completely. Just didn’t know what to expect, whether to be happy or not, feel guilty when was feeling happy, or was this happiness that I felt just transitory or was I just thinking too much. Actually…I wasn’t really thinking at all…I know it sounds weird and I’m probably coming of as completely incoherent but yeah in some twisted way with all the overthinking I was doing I really wasn’t thinking at all…..all I was doing was jamming my mind with all the mindless details about the future, about what I really wanted, was everything happening for a reason, am I allowed to be happy, can I TRULY be happy, can I not spoil it for me, can I get everything I wanted in life, can I live my life the way I wanted too, is it too much, is it too little. Put all this and add the running around bit, going here going there, getting this done getting that done, so much to do so little time, yet finding time to sleep all day long. Does it all seem ironic to you? It makes perfect sense to me….
Well one can’t say I didn’t get any “my time”. I mean with all the tv watching I did….with all the moping around I did….always so consumed with whining and cribbing (the feeling was so new – it’s a blessing really when u can actually blissfully whine your heart out to someone) but I seriously didn’t get that time….i would watch tv, listen to music, dance around but for the longest time I couldn’t get myself to write, to think creatively, to get one decent idea which made me ME and then today I finally got stern with myself and forced myself to not go to sleep but actually watch the movie I had downloaded 4 days back and never got around seeing. THE HOLIDAY - Yeap a movie not recommended by miz n nunni but somehow I still wanted to see it, make the judgments for myself and I was glad I did. I saw the movie without any thoughts running through my head, without being mentally distracted, just SAW the movie and guess what….it finally happened……I realized I finally got myself back! I finally got over everything, all this while unknowingly I was holding onto the past and was cynical of the future (although there were bouts where I would be hysterically over the moon when I saw my future ahead of me) I finally opened my arms to new experiences, finally the queasy feeling in my stomach, everytime a name is mentioned, is gone GONE gone!!!!!!! I can smile again! I can be myself again!!! I CAN THINK! I CAN WRITE!!! …..now I can’t wait to live each moment to its fullest….can’t wait for my life to begin…..I love my life!
“My time” is highly underrated.
posted by Voices In My Head @ 8:12 PM
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